General Humor


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwaanza at this time. Happy now?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
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FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Snowman Mugging
Concorde Tires
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
One morning this blonde calls up a friend of hers. The blonde explains that she's absolutely exasperated by this cool new jigsaw puzzle she got, which she can't even get started, and would her friend come over to help her.

"What's it a jigsaw puzzle of?" the friend asks.

"Well, the picture on the box shows a tiger."

The friend thinks it over, decides that he doesn't mind doing jigsaw puzzles, and agrees to come over.

He arrives at the blonde's house, and she escorts him to the table where she has the pieces strewn all over it.

The friend takes one glance at the table, and says.

"Ok. Don't be upset. I have two thing to tell you. First, no matter how hard we try, we are not going to be able to assemble the pieces to look like the picture on the box. Second, I want you to sit down, relax, have a cup of coffee, and then I want you to sweep up all of the Frosted Flakes and put them back in the box."
One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.

"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee. "Great!" replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friends's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," says the second.

She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican, " says the second.

Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts the first nun. "Show him your cross," says the second.

So she winds the window down and shouts: "GET THE HELL OFF MY F**KING HOOD!!"
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
This is supposed to come from Seattle where a cup of coffee is a requirement in your listing of FOOD GROUPS......

You know you drink too much coffee when...

~Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
~You ski uphill.
~You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
~You speed walk in your sleep.
~You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
~You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
~You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
~You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
~You sleep with your eyes open.
~You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
~The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
~You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
~You lick your coffeepot clean.
~You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
~You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
~You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
~Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
~The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
~Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
~You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
~You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
~You can jump-start your car without cables.
~Cocaine is a downer.
~All your kids are named "Joe."
~You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
~Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
~You don't sweat, you percolate.
~You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
~You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
~You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
~You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
~Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
~You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
~People get dizzy just watching you.
~When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
~You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
~The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
~Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
~Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
~You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
~People can test their batteries in your ears.
~Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
~When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
~You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
~You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
~Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
~You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
~You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
~You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
~You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
~You get drunk just so you can sober up.
~You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
~Your Thermos is on wheels.
~Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
~You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
~You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
~You short out motion detectors.
~You have a conniption over spilled milk.
~You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
~Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
~You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
~You don't tan, you roast.
~You don't get mad, you get steamed.
~Your three favorite things in life are *****, coffee before and coffee after.
~Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
~You can't even remember your second cup.
~You help your dog chase its tail.
~You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
~Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
~You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
~You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
~Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
~You can thread a running sewing machine
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
(Someone received a copy of the following at her law firm. It purports to be true. For those of you who don't know, a "deposition" is a transcript of pre-trial testimony. These transcripts tend to be thick documents.)

To: all attorneys Subject: Depositions and Their Use

A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent "for any purpose" is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:

The Court: Next witness.

Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition.

The Court: You mean read it?

Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition "for any purpose" and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.

The Court: Well, it does say that.

(Pause.)

The Court: There being no objection, you may proceed.

Ms. Olschner: Thank you, Judge Hanes.

(Whereupon Ms. Olschner swatted Mr. Buck in the head with a deposition.)

Mr. Buck: But Judge...

The Court: Next witness.

Mr. Buck: We object.

The Court: Sustained. Next witness.
It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per year) for each institution was $84,242 and they just weren't getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. Read on for their masterful slogans...

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!!

YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

Suddenly the Ivy League's submission levels rose tenfold. (Hey, those Sesame Street viewers were pretty smart.) So many other schools realized they had to join the fray. Witness...

M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math math math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

BC: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your arse from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of de weed with a garden easel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!

NYU: Hey kids! Are you a great looking male waiting to come out of the closet? Do you dress nicer than most of the girls you know? Do you want to spend $40,000 a year to study acting so you can be a waiter? Are you the coolest, most stylin' person you know? Then come to NYU!!!!

SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Do you wish to be led by a racist student president? Do you like to be hit with Mercury-Laden snow from the third most polluted lake in the country? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? Would you mind awfully terribly if you will forever be linked to the Snapple lady and that Senator Alphonse D'Amato? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!! (Making the future happen tomorrow for lots and lots of dough.)

WILLIAMS: Hey kids!! Do you like isolation? Having nothing to do and nowhere to go? How about being snowed in 9 months of the year with the same people for 4 years in a row? If feeding cows or dodging traffic for fun is your cup of tea then come to Williams College - located on scenic Route 2 in the middle of nowhere.
HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB AT.......

Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician

Brown: Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience

Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity

Cornell: Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure

Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it

Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest

Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark

Harvard: One--he hold the bulb and the world revolves around him

MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch

NYU: One--everyone else can fuck off

Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation

Middlebury: Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion

Stanford: One, dude

Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one

Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students

Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket

Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do

Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League sutdent

Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it

Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress

Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to check his math homework

Amherst: Thirteen--one to change the bulb and an a capella group to immortalize the event in song

Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that

Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out

Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb,one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in

Boston College: Seven--one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time

Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know about it because only Caland Stanford gets press for changing their lightbulbs
COLLEGE "BURGER JOINT" CONVERSATIONS FROM AROUND THE NATION:

MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."

"Have some fries."

Wellesley: "God, I'm desperate."

"Me, too. Pass the tea."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."

"Have some fries."
Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."

"Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B."

"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Stanford: "Dude, I got a B."

"Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have been a C. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend."

"Poor dear. Have some escargot."
Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"

"Nope. Have some fries."

Wesleyan: "I thought I aced my gov't mid-term, but only got 95% politically correct."

"Sorry, friend, just don't fuck up again. Have a condom."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."

"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
Williams: "Don't I know you?"

"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."

"Bummer. Have some fries."
Barnard: "I sure wish there were some men here."

"Have a banana."

Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay."

"Ditto. Have some fries."

Columbia: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."

"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."

"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was fuckin awesome."

"Have some beer."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy league."

"Here drink the fry grease."

Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew catalog."

"Here, look through mine. Have a Bison Burger."

Boston College: "Huh, huh. It's cool being a rich idiot."

"Yeah, yeah, have some fries."
Emory: "You hear Duke won the NCAA basketball tournament?"

"Listen dickhead - I told you NEVER to mention Duke - EVER!, give me a coke."
Johns Hopkins: "I killed everyone in my orgo class this weekend."

"Bummer. Have some fries."
Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow."

"Yeah, me too. Let's finish this keg and go laugh at the American U. students."

Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night."

"Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."
William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this stupid colonial outfit."

"Me too. Pass the glass-blowing equipment."
U.S.. Naval Academy: "Sure wish I had last year's final engineering exam."

"No kidding. Pass this year's final engineering exam."

Rensselaer Polytech: "I sure wish we had some women here."

"What are women? Have some vivarin."
The Citadel: "I hope I never see another woman here ever again."

"Me too. Pass my rifle."
Duke: "God, we need a keg! Damn President Nan!"

"What are kegs? Pass the basketball."

U. Maine Orono: "I got lost on the way to Boston College."

"Yeah, me too. Where are we? Pass the McLobster rolls."

UNC Chapel Hill: "God it sucks I'm not smart enough to get into Duke."

"Oh well. Pass the beer and let's go to Franklin Street."
NC State: "God I really wish I were at Chapel Hill."

"Yeah, we'd be closer to Duke! Pass the fries."
Smith: "Oh my goddess! I love your hair."

"Sorry, I'm straight. Pass the fries."
Rutgers: "God, even Duke beat us."

"Yeah man, pass the keg."

UCLA: "Guess what! I'm gonna graduate in 5 1/2 years!"

"It's gonna take me 6. Pass the beer and let's go shoot some USC students."

NYU: "My parents had to mortgage the house, sell the car, and get four more jobs to send me here."

"Bummer, pass the kosher fries."
Berkeley: "Damn those UCLA students. They get to graduate in 6 years."

"Who cares. Pass the the organic root beer."
USC: "Did you hear? Bob crossed the street without geting shot!"

"Dude, pass the beer so I won't need to cross the street."

UC Irvine: "I haven't seen a Caucasian in three months!"

"What's a caucasian? Have an eggroll."
Kentucky: "I can't find a date for the fraternity party."

"Take your sister. Pass the marijuana."
Emerson: "I pierced my armpit, my right toe and my intestine today!"

"Cool...pass the bong."

College of Charleston: "Dude, I flunked all my classes!"

"You took classes? Tap the keg!"

U. of Arizona: "Let's tap two kegs!"

"No three, and let's do it upside down!"
U. of New Hampshire: "I blew up the MuB today!"

"Damn! I wanted some fries!"
Pomona College: "Damn, no one's ever heard of us!"

"Grad schools know who we are. No really, they do. Now shut up and chirp."

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Last modified: Apr.. 25, 2001